Featured Image: “Don’t Rape – D7K 9862 ep” by Eric Parker is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0. Link to the license deed.
This poem is aimed at a culture that is founded on a lack of respect and a power imbalance that is instilled from a young age. This poem attacks a system that excuses, tolerates and even encourages rape through everyday actions undertaken by all of us. Rape and sexual assault do not discriminate based on gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity or religion. In this poem and article I am primarily focusing on gender inequality in society in terms of the age-old power imbalance that is still very much present today for women when it comes to women as sexual beings and the rights a woman has over her own body.
To be a girl is to be asked to be afraid
to wake up every day
made to feel it’s not your place to say
to feel intimidated,
forced to back away,
*
because you’re laughed at for taking a stand
against something they don’t understand,
like trying to ignore an unwanted hand,
to conform to societal standards
so deeply ingrained we automatically obey
to feel like you can’t trust a man
unless you’re prepared to pay
with your body not your brain
is the validation worth the pain?
*
tell yourself you aren’t worthless,
tell yourself that you deserved it,
convince yourself it was worth it,
that he didn’t do it on purpose,
*
expected to allow yourself to be objectified
lad culture that fakes being rectified
because of the idea that no means yes,
means “how about convince me instead”
but you don’t belong inside my head,
*
rape isn’t about sex,
it’s about power and violence
failed education
a need to remain silent
because of an existence of tolerance
a subject that is trivialised,
joked about with slander,
catastrophically undermined.
*
Don’t rate me, we are people not hotels
on the contrary to archaic, yet relevant, opinion,
I do have a brain and feelings as well,
so don’t call me a bitch, forget the word slut
don’t decide whether I am worthy
based on my boobs or my butt,
I am not a prize or a possession
going to say something crude?
then please just be quiet
I hear you judge girls so loudly
and I’m so sick and tired,
*
Your indifference isn’t powerful or cool,
it’s narrow-minded and it’s cruel,
don’t tell me I’m on my period when I challenge your views
don’t dismiss what I’m saying,
or assume that I’ll lose,
if you feel uncomfortable,
if you think this is unnecessary
that women don’t battle every day
that we don’t walk alone at night
paranoid that we’re being chased
then maybe you should break your mould,
hurry home in her shoes, think a different way,
*
realise that we still live in a society
that judges a girl for what her body has to offer
mostly in the way a girl looks, will she prosper
my worth is attributed to my physical appearance,
dependent on rib shattering corsets in the clearance
*
an ‘equal’ society where girls aren’t even aware
that in relationships, in jobs,
they don’t get their share,
a generation obscured by the illusion
that everything nowadays is equal and fair,
ladies, this is still a fight for our rights
being catcalled,
being inappropriately touched because it’s “flirting”
should not be a normal part of every day life
*
It’s a removal of autonomy,
taking away my right to decide
what happens to my own body,
to strip me of my dignity, my pride,
*
A question triggered by rape culture:
when you make a sexist joke,
or objectify with something vulgar
when dehumanising remarks are excused
with “boys will be boys”
does that mean all I am as a woman
is simply a man’s toy?
*
We teach little girls that if a boy hits them
it’s because he likes her
that if a boy is mean to you
it’s just because he wants to be with you,
so what did we expect to happen next
when that same boy becomes a teenager
and he abuses a girl and has no respect,
because he was taught that’s how to connect,
to mistreat her and touch her like she’s his pet.
*
On the flip side girls are taught to allow it to happen
the idea it’s normal and it’s because he loves her
instilled in her when he forces himself above her,
then, society labels her a pushover
people don’t have to say it, they think it’s her fault
after all…“she allowed him to control her”
*
it’s a vicious cycle of slut shaming
of “banter”, bets and victim blaming
this leads to normalisation
this creates a society that condones degradation,
because of our horrific inability to hold a conversation,
to call people out on sickening comments,
to talk to them about how their mind-set
is the catalyst for a system
that breeds harassment and rape,
that covers a woman’s mouth with tape,
*
whistling and making lewd comments,
acting as though you are superior
only ever focused on the exterior
exerting dominance and power,
it’s an age-old imbalance
of girl as the unwilling, delicate flower
*
sexual coercion, threats and groping,
your pathetic response is that you were only joking,
but tell me whether you’re still laughing
when your own little girl can’t walk alone at night
for fear of being violated again,
unable to tell anyone
a rapist tells her to stop overreacting
that it was just a bit of “fun”,
*
she would be slated
so it won’t be reported
she feels it would be disregarded, labelled unimportant
thrown out of court, she’d be told that
she wanted it, told that it’s a grey area
with no deterrence, walking alone’s even scarier
*
a justice system that allows rapists to walk free
a justice system that doesn’t bring women peace.
Molestation can make girls feel dirty and weak,
they feel they don’t have a right to speak
because she’s a slut and she’s a liar,
because she was drunk and vulnerable
and you somehow mistook that for desire.
*
Encouraged through a sense of normality
if a girl’s skirt is too short
“she’s clearly asking for it”
making a girl change her clothes
rather making a boy change his mindset
attitudes like this are not uncommon
in fact they’re so typical
you won’t even realise it’s a problem
*
a romanticised portrayal
of sex without consent, of controlling abuse,
of fantasised relationships where women
are on a lead, can’t be let loose,
*
welcome to a world that can successfully market
irrelevant products with a half-naked woman
welcome to a world that places a target
on the backs, on the bodies of young girls,
making it seem right
like a girl shouldn’t put up a fight
because their bodies are exploited
constantly sexualised,
in television, in music, in the media
this is what marketing is feeding us
*
capitalising on a woman’s insecurities
picking out appearance-based flaws rather than making her believe
teaching young boys that girls are meek
that they’re main purpose is to look pretty,
to give you pleasure
definitely not to stand up, to speak,
because if they do then they must “hate all men”…
get over yourself, we just want it to end.
*
Being progressive isn’t just not expecting girls to play
with barbies and dolls and princesses
when, to social media influenced standard beauty conventions,
young girls are defenceless
*
growing up being told you aren’t good enough
that if you aren’t pretty then you won’t be loved
cutthroat comments revolving around appearance
the shape of her body prioritised over achievements,
female celebrities are scrutinised
make the front cover of magazines
because they have cellulite on their thighs
and wait, god forbid they should have stretch marks
acne, a bloated stomach, blemishes and scars
*
when society and media dissect a woman
and tear her apart,
all that is natural, normal and wonderful
has been ridiculed and deemed repulsive,
an unspoken acceptance,
both men and women are the ones who condone this
*
forcing a woman to look a certain way
disregarding what she has to say,
because she’s a “man hater who’s just annoyed
that nobody wants to sleep with her and she can’t get boys”
*
why is a woman’s duty to please others?
to satisfy and pleasure a man,
to raise a child, to forget her own plans.
*
Girls are taught they are not sexual beings
love is the only thing a girl should be feeling
and if not she’s humiliated, she’s called a “slag”
while boys are congratulated, clapped on the back
*
why is it that girls are always sexualised
feminists are vilified
young girls are victimised?
*
but it’s not just boys belittling girls
girls putting down each other
hell bent on trying to make each other suffer,
ridiculing, bitching, judging, alienating
not sticking together as one
being divided by internalised misogyny and aiming the gun
*
let’s instead unite and destroy rape culture
because I would love to live in a world
where I feel comfortable and safe on my own
where I don’t walk the streets with my only comfort
being I have the emergency number already dialled on my phone.
*
So finally, if you ever look at me and
probably subconsciously
think that I am not strong
that I can be hurt and pushed around
that you can force me into backing down
simply because I’m a woman,
well, take your best shot,
patronise me, dismiss me, call me a “thot”
my sexuality and my body are mine
*
sexual assault isn’t just wrong because it’s a crime
it’s wrong because it’s the sickening silencing of a person’s voice,
the evil theft of a human being’s choice,
an abominable and monstrously violent act
that is excused and normalised and that’s a fact,
but you can’t take my power or make me shut up
so maybe you should back down
because your time is up.
Rape culture is the normalisation of sexual violence such as assault and abuse, it often involves the idea that the victim is in some way culpable for the actions taken by their aggressor. Unfortunately rape is viewed as something that is inevitable, it is systematic and encouraged through jokes, music, advertising, everyday language and images we are exposed to. Small actions can reinforce and excuse more detrimental actions such as sexual harassment and rape. In our society there exists a trivialisation of sexual harassment as seemingly harmless actions, such as a man putting his hand on a girl’s thigh when the touch is unwanted, making inappropriate or lewd comments on someone’s appearance, catcalling, making sexist jokes These actions are not compliments, they are threats, although this may not be apparent, what you have to think of it as is one human being exerting power over another, degrading them perhaps without meaning to and potentially making them feel vulnerable or uncomfortable and unsafe.
Some girls do not mind being catcalled, as it is commonly perceived to be a compliment. Being praised for the way one looks can make a person feel good about themselves. Taking pride in yourself and feeling self-confident is a wonderful and important thing – being objectified and made to feel uncomfortable is not. This permanent focus and expectation on a girl’s physical appearance is extremely damaging, it teaches young girls that all that really matters is the way they look, that this is how they can validate themselves, in gaining the approval of men. It prioritises looking good for others over being comfortable within yourself and loving yourself. Equally there are far more socially acceptable and polite, respectful ways to go about complimenting a girl than whistling at her, she is a human being, not a dog and treating her in this degrading way has a knock on effect, excusing far more extreme actions because degradation becomes normal and tolerated. While I am sure that many boys do not catcall with the intention of humiliating a girl, unfortunately that is not far from what this is, catcalling or calling out an obscene comment relating to a woman’s body as she walks by is an example of a man exercising his power over a woman, it is said for no reason other than to comment on a woman’s body as though it is public property and there is nothing a woman can do in response to this. This means that no matter how inappropriate the comment is and how uncomfortable it makes the woman feel the man is in control because he feels he has the right to make this remark to a woman he does not know and will likely never see again, which is why such crude comments and actions are for no other reason than because he can, the man expects no outcome, and although it seems innocent enough it is actually a reassertion of dominance that continues to reinforce this power imbalance for women in society.
Recently with many allegations of rape and sexual assault coming to light in Hollywood, it seems as though some people have entirely misinterpreted the positive and brave message of the Time’s Up movement, instead complaining that girls are overreacting and that flirting and friendly touches are not sexual assault, I agree, no they are not intended to be, but that choice is an individual one, it is not about simply patting someone’s shoulder playfully and wondering what the big deal is, it is about judging a situation. If a woman is clearly uncomfortable with being touched then don’t do it again, I do not understand why it seems to be so difficult to comprehend. You cannot just assume that a woman is perfectly fine with being touched, but then again maybe she might be, either way it is her choice and that is important to remember to remove the power imbalance and ensure the choice a woman has over her body is her own. It is all about reading a situation and making sure that boundaries are not being inappropriately crossed. This is not about women “overreacting”, it is about finally eradicating a culture of women being sexual objects, of fighting against this judgement instilled in so many people that if a girl is inappropriately touched or raped she is in some way “asking for it”.
It is so easy to sit and read this and think that you would never ever follow that train of thought and victim blame but it is something that is ingrained in our society, when something happens we question what a girl was wearing or whether she had been drinking and that in itself is taking focus away from the fact that rape is rape and rape is always inexcusable, it cannot be “slightly excused” or made to seem like less of an issue by challenging the victim’s part in it because THE VICTIM HAS NO PART IN RAPE, THE FAULT ONLY EVER LIES WITH THE RAPIST. I accept that people have responsibilities and that girls should be aware of the dangers they could potentially face, when walking alone at night for example, but how sad is it that it has to be that way, if only we lived in a society that could teach humans not to rape as well as it teaches girls that they should compete for male attention.
Victims can feel unable to do anything to stop what they are experiencing, resulting in feelings of helplessness and creating an obvious power imbalance within society between men and women. This behaviour is still completely unacceptable, regardless of how small or irrelevant it appears making victims feel as though they have lost the rights over their own body or humiliated and objectified is never acceptable. Failure to address this as an issue can be seen in something known as “lad culture” – casual comments that degrade others, words such as “slut” and “slag” are thrown around a lot, usually in reference to a female, this makes women feel shame, they are told they are not allowed to be sexual beings yet girls are sexualised constantly by men, this means that a girl does not have power over her own sexuality but instead a man has this power that should belong to her. We are making it socially acceptable to label and dehumanise another person, and this can result in people not respecting the rights an individual has over their own bodies, exploiting, controlling and harassing them out of a lack of understanding and normality.
Women are told from a young age not to dress “provocatively”, not to walk alone at night and to watch how much alcohol they consume. We teach girls to not get raped rather than teaching boys not to rape. Girls are frowned upon for being sexual beings but are sexualised every single day, the problem is not with a girl’s clothing, a girl has the right to wear whatever she wants, the problem is with a society that has sexualised the bodies of young girls and all women, implying they are public property, that they exist to appease men and although this is an indirect and subliminal message, it is a troubling one that goes hand in hand with rape culture. We are all completely aware that rape itself is wrong, but the little things like unwanted touch and degrading words make rape seem that bit less serious and makes it much more understandable as to why it happens so much more often than anyone would expect, people do not realise that what they are doing is wrong because it seems so normal. It’s the “grey” area surrounding rape that needs to be considered, for example a man who excuses rape because he was drunk can allow him to escape jail time or receive a much shorter sentence however a woman being drunk at the time of rape is blamed for her actions and made to feel ashamed and as though she is to blame for not being “more sensible”. Alcohol, being on streets at night, provocative clothing are not at all causes of rape. The cause is always, the rapists themselves. A culture has been created where rapists and offenders do not even realise they are taking advantage of another person. These perceptions must be changed.
85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16-59) are raped each year in England and Wales alone, that’s roughly 11 adults raped an hour, an enormous and terrifying number, however only around 15% of these cases get reported. This is a startling figure and the reasons behind the low percentage of reports are even more disturbing. People do not feel comfortable coming forward and reporting rape, 20% fear retaliation from people who may blame them in some way for the rape, while many also believe the police would not do anything to help or that it was not important enough to report, these feelings are all a product of rape culture which acts to silence victims and encourage the normality of actions that condone sex crimes.